July 4, 2008 – 5:18 pm
One night at an old fashioned tent revival, the preacher asked for prayer requests. One by one the people went to the front; after a while a man went down front and announced, “Preacher, I want you to pray for my hearing.”
The reverend massaged his ears, spoke in tongues and went on and on. After about three minutes he said, “Well, my son, did that help your hearing ?”
Bubba replied, “I don’t know yet preacher, it’s not until next Tuesday.”
Evolution?
July 4, 2008 – 5:16 pmThe other day I visited a friend down in Dayton, Tennessee, where they had that Scopes trial years ago…hey, if a monkey wants to use mouthwash, that’s his business.
Purina Diet
June 25, 2008 – 1:55 pmYesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
(By now practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.
Luckiest Guy
June 19, 2008 – 7:57 pmA man was walking down the street, when he chanced upon a shiny silver lamp sitting on a park bench in front of him. Admiring its shine, he used his shirt to polish the side of the lamp. Imagine his surprise when a genie appeared before him!
“I am your genie; you may have one wish.” Without hesitation, the man said, “I want to be the luckiest man in the world.” With a wave of his hand and a puff of smoke, the genie announced, “Your wish is granted.”
The man set out walking down the street again, when he almost immediately saw a thousand-dollar bill lying in the gutter. He picked it up, smiling and saying, “Wow, I’m a lucky guy!”
Taking the newfound money, he proceeded into a restaurant he’d always wanted to try. As he entered the building, bells rang, lights flashed, and the maitre’d declared, “Congratulations, sir! You’re our one thousandth customer this month, and you get a FREE MEAL!”
“Wow, I’m the luckiest man in the world!” the man gloated; he proceeded to have a lavish banquet, marveling at his new good luck.
After dinner he decided to take a stroll, and spied a brothel across the street. Never having the wherewithal to enter such a place, he decided to visit the brothel. Immediately, music blared, applause was heard, and he was told that he was the grand-prize winner of their contest, and he could have his pick of any woman in the place. “I am SO lucky!” he said with a grin, as he told the madam, “I’ve never slept with a woman from India; I would love to be with a woman from India.”
“Why you’re in luck, sir! We have a new girl from India, just joined us today; she’s upstairs.” The man proceeded upstairs, where indeed he saw the most beautiful Indian woman he had ever seen. He was amazed at his good fortune.
“I’ve always wanted to be with an Indian woman; could I make a request?” he asked. She said, “Why of course, what is your request?”
“Could you remove that red dot on your forehead?” Perplexed, she complied. As she peeled the dot from her forehead, the man was astounded, and shouted,
“Hey look! I just won a truck!”
Car wreck
May 7, 2008 – 10:59 amA man and woman are traveling on a highway late at night, when he skids off the road, hits a tree, and blacks out.
When he regains consciousness, a doctor is peering down at him. “Mr. Jones, I have some bad news for you. Your wife is a paraplegic, will have to eat through a tube the rest of her life, you’ll be changing diapers 10 times a day, cleaning her bedsores, waiting on her hand and foot for the rest of her life.”
“Oh my God,” the man groans, “oh no…”
“Nah,” the doctor says, laughing, “I’m just kidding. She died in the wreck.”
Things to consider
May 7, 2008 – 10:56 am1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like… night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, ∏ the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
16. When every thing is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear Bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates… it’s more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
The Assassin
March 24, 2008 – 4:16 pmThe FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . Kill her!!” The man said,
“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
God’s Problem Now
January 28, 2008 – 10:13 amWhen the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous
burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling
thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”